Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
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Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
when you don’t want to be too vague
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.