In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Midwest trash talk
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.