I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
i really liked this one
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”