My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Meme Monday.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.