Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
felt cute might bury dad later idk
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Jogging
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Bobby pin
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
tis the season
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?