my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”