A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
You Might Also Like
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Oh we’ve met.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.