Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
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Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Jupiter
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today