Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
You Might Also Like
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My purse is deeper than some people.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My last name is Zilla.
The USS B port
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!