some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
My patience has stretch marks.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar