I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.