if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
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Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.