Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I’ve had relationships like this
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.