Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
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Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.