Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities