If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
every. time.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?