Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck