There is no “ea” in Tim.
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Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time