Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Body by sandwich.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*