Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.