[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u