[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
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joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.