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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
When your man makes a valid point
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.