Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.