Had a spot of bother earlier.
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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.