Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
how was your vacation
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”