wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man