Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment