The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
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I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
i now pronounce you bounced.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks