If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I have never related to a cat more
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.