Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”