I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
how to have fun when you’re poor
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
yeah no that’s fair
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.