Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Breaking news:
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Me driving through Toronto
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”