Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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I’ll never salute you, General Settings
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.