Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying