Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota