Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Lucky old June.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
The Weeknd is back
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.