A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
My what?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping