Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Living the best life.. 😊
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.