Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road