That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
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Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years