Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”