If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
This has made my week.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?