I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.