[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.