On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”