I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move