[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.