Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
You Might Also Like
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Woke up against my better judgement again
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka