When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
mariah carrie
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.